1 00:00:26,010 --> 00:00:28,289 WOMAN: I'm not driving you. GIRL: Please. 2 00:00:28,290 --> 00:00:29,649 I said no! 3 00:00:29,650 --> 00:00:32,209 Fine. I'm gonna miss English. Ooh, you better not. 4 00:00:32,210 --> 00:00:35,649 I spend every waking hour paying for your fucking school fees. 5 00:00:35,650 --> 00:00:37,409 And that's my fault, is it? 6 00:00:37,410 --> 00:00:39,129 Obviously not. 7 00:00:39,130 --> 00:00:41,889 Great. So if you're done blaming me for your decisions, 8 00:00:41,890 --> 00:00:45,049 you can drop me at the station. Hey! Walk away from the car. 9 00:00:45,050 --> 00:00:47,610 Alice, get your hands off the Corolla. 10 00:00:53,130 --> 00:00:55,850 And pull your skirt down at the back. It's all hitched... 11 00:01:03,050 --> 00:01:04,410 Hey, Mia. Hi, Sam. 12 00:01:08,170 --> 00:01:11,449 No, no. 110%. Too easy. 13 00:01:11,450 --> 00:01:13,569 Thank you. My pleasure. 14 00:01:13,570 --> 00:01:15,089 Bye. 15 00:01:15,090 --> 00:01:16,969 Sorry, it was the kid. 16 00:01:16,970 --> 00:01:19,369 I don't wanna bore you with the details, but that little turd, 17 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:21,410 she was on fire this morning. 18 00:01:22,730 --> 00:01:25,409 (SIGHS) So what did he say? 19 00:01:25,410 --> 00:01:27,289 Readership's down, they're haemorrhaging cash 20 00:01:27,290 --> 00:01:29,169 and someone's definitely getting the arse. 21 00:01:29,170 --> 00:01:31,690 Oh, it's me, isn't it? It's you... 22 00:01:33,490 --> 00:01:34,970 ..or Stuart. 23 00:01:38,330 --> 00:01:40,129 Can't you make him sit down? 24 00:01:40,130 --> 00:01:42,769 You need to annihilate him. 25 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,529 Oh, I can do that. Yeah, but historically, you can't. 26 00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:47,009 Yes, I can. Sam! 27 00:01:47,010 --> 00:01:49,289 You're a better writer, you're a better human. 28 00:01:49,290 --> 00:01:50,690 Nobody cares. 29 00:01:52,170 --> 00:01:54,489 They want one piece from each of you. 30 00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:56,129 Different advertorials. 31 00:01:56,130 --> 00:01:58,049 A new-age float tank. 32 00:01:58,050 --> 00:01:59,809 Sex toy for couples. 33 00:01:59,810 --> 00:02:03,170 Oh, don't make me cry. I'm giving you the first choice. 34 00:02:04,210 --> 00:02:05,449 Do the float tank. 35 00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:07,809 You can spin gold out of that in your sleep, you love a bath. 36 00:02:07,810 --> 00:02:10,449 I'm not topping Stuart with a float tank. 37 00:02:11,770 --> 00:02:13,890 Give us the sex toy. 38 00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:20,409 Toys, plural. 39 00:02:20,410 --> 00:02:21,650 Yeah, yeah, whatever. Whatever. 40 00:02:22,690 --> 00:02:24,010 It's for couples. 41 00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:26,689 Don't fuck me. Nah. 42 00:02:26,690 --> 00:02:28,490 Yeah. You can count on me. (KISSES) 43 00:02:29,810 --> 00:02:31,849 Hey, Stuart. Hi. Hey. 44 00:02:31,850 --> 00:02:33,849 Nice to see you. 45 00:02:33,850 --> 00:02:35,130 Stuart. 46 00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:43,009 George! 47 00:02:43,010 --> 00:02:44,850 Hey. Hey. 48 00:02:45,970 --> 00:02:47,729 Sorry. Sorry, I'm late. 49 00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:49,489 I don't care. 50 00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:51,210 Hang on just a sec. (PANTS) 51 00:02:54,570 --> 00:02:55,849 Oh, yeah. 52 00:02:55,850 --> 00:02:58,409 Oh, Leish wants you to bring the sweet potato salad. 53 00:02:58,410 --> 00:02:59,849 Yeah, no, she told me. 54 00:02:59,850 --> 00:03:02,130 Mate, I need a favour from you. Can do. 55 00:03:03,170 --> 00:03:05,810 I need you to masturbate into a machine for me. 56 00:03:07,530 --> 00:03:10,609 Look, if it's any help, I'll also be wanking with a... 57 00:03:10,610 --> 00:03:12,329 ..like a complimentary machine, 58 00:03:12,330 --> 00:03:13,729 same time. How would that help? 59 00:03:13,730 --> 00:03:16,929 And, uh, both devices, they're sort of connected to each other. 60 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,369 I mean, not physically. 61 00:03:18,370 --> 00:03:20,609 They could be in different countries, that's a whole idea. 62 00:03:20,610 --> 00:03:22,769 Oh, this is for work. Can't I just write you a cheque? 63 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,129 Oh, mate, you know I would take your money, 64 00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:27,809 but this is more than a bailout, this is actually my future. 65 00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:29,289 Is it? Really? Yes. 66 00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:30,970 Yes. My job is on the line. 67 00:03:32,090 --> 00:03:35,529 Look, if I had access to any other cock at all, I wouldn't be asking. 68 00:03:35,530 --> 00:03:38,049 But I am getting less skilled by the hour. 69 00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:39,809 I am knee-deep in middle-age oblivion. 70 00:03:39,810 --> 00:03:41,610 And the truth is, I don't give a shit. 71 00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,889 I want to be invisible, but I also want to eat. 72 00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:47,169 And I want to educate my kid and I don't want to be homeless. 73 00:03:47,170 --> 00:03:48,449 OK. OK. 74 00:03:48,450 --> 00:03:50,330 O... OK? 75 00:03:52,090 --> 00:03:54,769 So... what I've gotta... 76 00:03:54,770 --> 00:03:58,089 ..put myself into... Yeah. It's just like a... 77 00:03:58,090 --> 00:04:00,210 It's like a little fake vagina. (CHUCKLES) 78 00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,049 It's in the back of the car. 79 00:04:04,050 --> 00:04:05,689 Thanks again, mate. 80 00:04:05,690 --> 00:04:07,289 Um... 81 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:09,289 ..uh... 82 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:10,529 Oh. 83 00:04:10,530 --> 00:04:12,170 I owe you one. 84 00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:16,249 That is a bloody big box. 85 00:04:16,250 --> 00:04:17,728 Feel flattered. 86 00:04:17,730 --> 00:04:19,449 Also, I'm on a 48-hour deadline. 87 00:04:19,450 --> 00:04:22,209 Oh, mate, it's pretty busy the next couple of days, it's chock-a-block. 88 00:04:22,210 --> 00:04:24,050 I can't just... What about right now? 89 00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:06,089 (SIGHS) (PHONE RINGS) 90 00:05:06,090 --> 00:05:08,650 Yep. Uh, I feel like I've already failed. 91 00:05:09,770 --> 00:05:11,929 It... it looks like... a thermos. 92 00:05:11,930 --> 00:05:14,249 Um... Or a bit of PVC pipe. 93 00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:16,529 Actually, that makes more sense. Yeah, I'm just gonna... 94 00:05:16,530 --> 00:05:18,049 ..read the instructions. 95 00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:20,169 You telling me you don't know how to turn on a vibrator? 96 00:05:20,170 --> 00:05:22,649 Oh, mate, this is not your usual vibrator. 97 00:05:22,650 --> 00:05:24,449 Maybe you should put that in your article. 98 00:05:24,450 --> 00:05:26,849 Yeah. Why don't you write it? 99 00:05:26,850 --> 00:05:28,290 I will. 100 00:05:30,490 --> 00:05:31,849 Oh, here we go. 101 00:05:31,850 --> 00:05:33,769 I've got an instructional video. 102 00:05:33,770 --> 00:05:34,890 I'm gonna watch this. 103 00:05:35,930 --> 00:05:40,009 VOICEOVER: Welcome to a brave new world of sexual indulgence 104 00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:42,929 where physical distance is no longer a barrier 105 00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:46,049 and modern technology meets old-fashioned romance. 106 00:05:46,050 --> 00:05:47,769 Am I supposed to just put it straight into that, 107 00:05:47,770 --> 00:05:49,409 without any lube or...? 108 00:05:49,410 --> 00:05:51,169 ..adjustable clit arm. 109 00:05:51,170 --> 00:05:55,169 Any user anywhere can control the vagina. 110 00:05:55,170 --> 00:05:58,129 OK, well, I don't want to do that. I mean, who does? 111 00:05:58,130 --> 00:06:00,489 Like, who are they talking to? Psychologically, I mean? 112 00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:01,729 It's pretty reductive. 113 00:06:01,730 --> 00:06:04,529 They clearly underestimate the complexity of male sexuality. 114 00:06:04,530 --> 00:06:07,249 We've got to charge the fucking things. 115 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:08,690 (CHEWS) 116 00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:12,490 I mean, seriously? 117 00:06:13,770 --> 00:06:16,170 How hard is it to bang one out the old-fashioned way? 118 00:06:18,970 --> 00:06:20,210 It's not that hard. 119 00:06:22,290 --> 00:06:24,249 Oh! 120 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,929 Well, that... that feels incredible. 121 00:06:25,930 --> 00:06:27,609 Oh, fuck! Mine's moving! 122 00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:29,050 Is yours moving? (DING!) 123 00:06:32,450 --> 00:06:33,889 (VIBRATES) Ooh. 124 00:06:33,890 --> 00:06:36,449 Oh, yeah, it's doing something. 125 00:06:36,450 --> 00:06:37,770 OK, well... 126 00:06:39,090 --> 00:06:40,650 ..what do we do now? 127 00:06:42,250 --> 00:06:44,369 I'm just gonna go in. What, no foreplay? 128 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:46,929 Yeah, well, mate, you just keep up. 129 00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:48,170 OK, hang on. 130 00:06:49,210 --> 00:06:50,410 (GROANS) 131 00:06:52,250 --> 00:06:53,410 (GRUNTS) 132 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,610 Oh. 133 00:06:59,210 --> 00:07:00,250 Oh. 134 00:07:01,890 --> 00:07:03,249 Alright, can you feel anything? 135 00:07:03,250 --> 00:07:05,649 Oh, yep! Oh, I really can. 136 00:07:05,650 --> 00:07:09,049 Yeah? OK, I'm just going to, um... 137 00:07:09,050 --> 00:07:10,849 ..have a little poke around. 138 00:07:10,850 --> 00:07:13,129 If you feel something, you just tell me, yeah? 139 00:07:13,130 --> 00:07:14,929 Oh, fuck! 140 00:07:14,930 --> 00:07:17,729 Wow. Yeah, yeah! 141 00:07:17,730 --> 00:07:19,009 Yeah. 142 00:07:19,010 --> 00:07:21,369 Oh, my... God! 143 00:07:21,370 --> 00:07:23,769 Are they, uh... are they happy sounds or...? 144 00:07:23,770 --> 00:07:25,969 Yeah, yep, yeah... (MOANS) 145 00:07:25,970 --> 00:07:27,009 Great. 146 00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:30,569 OK, so I'm just gonna fire off a few questions as we go, 147 00:07:30,570 --> 00:07:33,849 so I just get a sense of what the experience is for you. 148 00:07:33,850 --> 00:07:36,929 But if it's too distracting, you just tell me 'cause I can... 149 00:07:36,930 --> 00:07:38,449 I can save them all up for the end. 150 00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:42,169 Oh, Sammy. So... Wait... Oh, my... (GROANS) 151 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:44,249 (MOANS) Oh, fu... Oh, can... 152 00:07:44,250 --> 00:07:46,609 Oh, fuck. S... sorry. 153 00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:48,529 Sorry. So... (GROANS) 154 00:07:48,530 --> 00:07:50,249 Oh, fuck. 155 00:07:50,250 --> 00:07:51,490 Sorry. (SIGHS) 156 00:07:52,850 --> 00:07:54,009 Did you just...? 157 00:07:54,010 --> 00:07:57,169 Yep, I really did... Oh, God! 158 00:07:57,170 --> 00:08:00,049 Oh, you are fucking kidding me. 159 00:08:00,050 --> 00:08:04,649 Oh, my God, I have not felt anything like that in my life. 160 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:07,169 That thing could end the human race. 161 00:08:07,170 --> 00:08:09,689 Holy shit! It felt that good. 162 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,129 Oh, fuck. So sorry. 163 00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:13,969 Oh, no. Sorry. 164 00:08:13,970 --> 00:08:16,169 It's fine. I'm happy for you. 165 00:08:16,170 --> 00:08:19,809 Oh, thanks, mate. (SIGHS) How'd you go? 166 00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:21,169 You didn't even turn me on. 167 00:08:21,170 --> 00:08:22,689 Oh. 168 00:08:22,690 --> 00:08:25,289 That's... embarrassing. 169 00:08:25,290 --> 00:08:26,969 Oh, who am I gonna tell? 170 00:08:26,970 --> 00:08:29,129 Um... mate, just give me... 171 00:08:29,130 --> 00:08:31,049 Give me 40 to an hour to reload. 172 00:08:31,050 --> 00:08:33,210 Ah, mate, it's not your actual dick. 173 00:08:34,570 --> 00:08:37,208 Oh, yeah? How good's that, eh? 174 00:08:37,210 --> 00:08:39,489 Yeah. Yeah, that's really handy. 175 00:08:39,490 --> 00:08:41,568 Oh, so I'm just, um... 176 00:08:41,570 --> 00:08:42,929 I'm just hitting buttons, am I? 177 00:08:42,929 --> 00:08:43,970 Yep. That's it. 178 00:08:45,010 --> 00:08:46,769 (BEEPING) What's that? What's that doing? 179 00:08:46,770 --> 00:08:48,489 Nothing. 180 00:08:48,490 --> 00:08:50,449 Oh. Uh... 181 00:08:50,450 --> 00:08:52,009 How about now? 182 00:08:52,010 --> 00:08:54,889 Um, nup. Nothing. 183 00:08:54,890 --> 00:08:57,210 Now? Nothing. 184 00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:00,209 Ow! Good ow? 185 00:09:00,210 --> 00:09:02,529 No, that's painful ow. Ow! What are you doing? 186 00:09:02,530 --> 00:09:03,809 Well, it's a bit confusing. 187 00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,609 It's like they don't want you to understand. 188 00:09:05,610 --> 00:09:07,329 Well, I managed to work it out. (PHONE RINGS) 189 00:09:07,330 --> 00:09:09,569 Oh, fuck. Sorry. That's my alarm. Hang on. 190 00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:12,330 Oh, could you just turn it off? Yeah, I'm trying. 191 00:09:18,410 --> 00:09:19,530 It's Tom. 192 00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,769 I've gotta go pick him up. Yeah. Yeah, of course. 193 00:09:23,770 --> 00:09:26,049 But, hey, at least we know both machines work, yeah? 194 00:09:26,050 --> 00:09:28,849 So... so job done. I cannot write that review. 195 00:09:28,850 --> 00:09:31,049 I cannot say, "The fake vagina works a treat. 196 00:09:31,050 --> 00:09:32,769 "My mate blew in five seconds, 197 00:09:32,770 --> 00:09:34,929 "but then he had to go and pick up his son 198 00:09:34,930 --> 00:09:38,009 "so we will never know if the fake dick works." 199 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:39,689 Fair enough. 200 00:09:39,690 --> 00:09:41,209 Oh, my God. 201 00:09:41,210 --> 00:09:42,770 I'm running out of time. 202 00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:46,970 OK. Midday tomorrow. 203 00:09:48,450 --> 00:09:50,889 Thank you. Don't thank me yet. 204 00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:53,609 Oh, jeez, it was easy getting into this thing. 205 00:09:53,610 --> 00:09:56,089 It's proving a lot more difficult... I'm, um... 206 00:09:56,090 --> 00:09:58,049 ..to get back out. ..I'm just going to let you go. 207 00:09:58,050 --> 00:09:59,690 Yeah, OK, I need both hands. 208 00:10:02,330 --> 00:10:03,769 (SIGHS) 209 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,050 Wait, big boy. 210 00:10:07,050 --> 00:10:08,329 (WATER RUNS) 211 00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:09,330 (TAP TURNS OFF) 212 00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:17,930 (SAM SIGHS) 213 00:10:25,050 --> 00:10:27,009 Oh. 214 00:10:27,010 --> 00:10:29,049 She's been in my room! Oh, fuck off. 215 00:10:29,050 --> 00:10:30,609 Ella! She had shoes on. 216 00:10:30,610 --> 00:10:32,369 Hey, pull your head in. You are literally insane. 217 00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:34,289 It smells like dog poo. She didn't go in there, mate. 218 00:10:34,290 --> 00:10:36,649 I swear to God. Back and forth and back and forth! 219 00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:38,329 Ella, why do you provoke him? (GASPS) 220 00:10:38,330 --> 00:10:41,049 Tom. Tommy. Hey, Tommy. 221 00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:43,569 Hey, look at me. Tommy, Look at me. 222 00:10:43,570 --> 00:10:45,449 Mate, it was me. I'm sorry. 223 00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:48,729 I went in there to drop off some clean clothes, and I got distracted. 224 00:10:48,730 --> 00:10:51,129 I'm sorry, I forgot. I will... 225 00:10:51,130 --> 00:10:53,169 I'll disinfect it straight after tea, OK? 226 00:10:53,170 --> 00:10:56,529 OK. Four breaths in... (BOTH INHALE) 227 00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,409 ..and out. (BOTH EXHALE) 228 00:10:58,410 --> 00:11:00,369 And in 229 00:11:00,370 --> 00:11:01,849 and out. 230 00:11:01,850 --> 00:11:04,969 Let's just have a nice dinner, OK? Come on. 231 00:11:04,970 --> 00:11:07,089 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 232 00:11:07,090 --> 00:11:08,610 (DOOR OPENS) 233 00:11:09,810 --> 00:11:12,849 Do you have to have your boobs out like that?! 234 00:11:12,850 --> 00:11:15,809 Well, they float, so... Just put them away. 235 00:11:15,810 --> 00:11:17,929 I... I genuinely, I can't. 236 00:11:17,930 --> 00:11:20,729 You don't have to look at them so disgustedly. 237 00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:23,809 This is really sad. You're projecting your body shame onto me. 238 00:11:23,810 --> 00:11:25,089 How? 239 00:11:25,090 --> 00:11:27,849 I don't have time to educate you. Where's dinner? 240 00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:30,249 It's, uh, in the fridge. 241 00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:33,690 Is it leftovers? Yeah. You know it is, baby. 242 00:11:37,890 --> 00:11:39,290 (DOOR SLAMS) 243 00:11:55,530 --> 00:11:57,570 (EXHALES) 244 00:12:04,970 --> 00:12:06,810 (PHONE RINGS) 245 00:12:08,010 --> 00:12:09,169 Hey. 246 00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:13,409 Hey, mate. Sorry. Sorry. It's been one shitstorm after the other. 247 00:12:13,410 --> 00:12:14,969 I've just gotten home. 248 00:12:14,970 --> 00:12:18,449 The boys went to the wrong site, the bloody concrete came late. 249 00:12:18,450 --> 00:12:20,489 Just give me a couple of secs. 250 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,889 Is it just work shitstorms or...? 251 00:12:22,890 --> 00:12:24,609 Oh, it's pretty even spread. 252 00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:26,889 We've hit another rough patch with Tom. 253 00:12:26,890 --> 00:12:29,930 Oh, shit. Is it new meds? 254 00:12:31,010 --> 00:12:32,010 No. 255 00:12:33,610 --> 00:12:35,769 That's probably on the cards, though, yeah. 256 00:12:35,770 --> 00:12:37,050 Well, how's Liesh? 257 00:12:38,450 --> 00:12:39,970 Yeah, yeah. She's, um... 258 00:12:41,250 --> 00:12:42,649 She's feeling it. 259 00:12:42,650 --> 00:12:43,769 Yeah. 260 00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:45,769 Well, give him my love. 261 00:12:45,770 --> 00:12:47,569 Yeah. 262 00:12:47,570 --> 00:12:48,850 Yeah, I will. 263 00:12:56,370 --> 00:12:57,530 Do you... 264 00:12:58,930 --> 00:13:01,610 ..reckon this is something that we should have run by Leish? 265 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:06,809 Um, maybe you could have put that on the table 266 00:13:06,810 --> 00:13:09,210 before I came into a machine, but... 267 00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:12,170 N-no. 268 00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:16,370 I mean... No, no, it's OK. Yeah. No, it's... it's fine. 269 00:13:17,690 --> 00:13:19,490 I've already done it anyway, so... 270 00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:23,089 Yeah, OK. Well, um, great. 271 00:13:23,090 --> 00:13:26,649 Alright, so I've read the instruction booklet, you know, 272 00:13:26,650 --> 00:13:28,569 cover to cover, so I've really got a handle on it now. 273 00:13:28,570 --> 00:13:30,889 Was I supposed to read that? In a perfect world, yeah. 274 00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:33,610 But I didn't expect you to, so I'm gonna walk you through it. 275 00:13:35,570 --> 00:13:37,009 Are you in yet? 276 00:13:37,010 --> 00:13:38,449 No, I gotta... I gotta put the phone down. 277 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,250 Oh, yeah. OK, so go on. 278 00:13:41,930 --> 00:13:45,969 And when you're ready, we're just going to go back into your settings. 279 00:13:45,970 --> 00:13:47,130 Yeah? 280 00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:49,370 (EXHALES) 281 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:51,929 OK, I'm... I'm in. 282 00:13:51,930 --> 00:13:54,369 Alright, great. Alright, so let's go... 283 00:13:54,370 --> 00:13:56,130 No, hang on. I'll get my phone. Yeah. 284 00:13:57,050 --> 00:13:59,329 OK, uh... I'm in settings. 285 00:13:59,330 --> 00:14:00,489 Yep. 286 00:14:00,490 --> 00:14:01,770 It's not lit up like before. 287 00:14:05,090 --> 00:14:06,929 Why are you FaceTiming me? 288 00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:09,010 Just answer it and show me your phone screen. 289 00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:12,969 Are you... 290 00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:14,130 ..in bed? 291 00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:17,049 Yeah. 292 00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,929 So, uh, show us your phone screen. 293 00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:19,930 Uh, y-yep. 294 00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:22,329 OK, um... 295 00:14:22,330 --> 00:14:24,129 Oh, yeah, see where it says 'Bluetooth'? 296 00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:25,130 Yeah. 297 00:14:25,131 --> 00:14:26,729 Yeah, and that little white dot on the right? 298 00:14:26,730 --> 00:14:27,969 That was green before. 299 00:14:27,970 --> 00:14:29,929 Fuck sake. Just... just push that. 300 00:14:29,930 --> 00:14:31,009 Oh, yeah. (CHIMES) 301 00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:32,049 Oh, yeah. Green again. 302 00:14:32,050 --> 00:14:33,089 Yeah, there you go. 303 00:14:33,090 --> 00:14:36,489 Yeah. OK, let's get this party started. 304 00:14:36,490 --> 00:14:38,449 Um, let's just, um... 305 00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:40,889 Let me just set the tone here. Please. 306 00:14:40,890 --> 00:14:43,009 Alright, so we're just going to take baby steps, alright? 307 00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:44,929 And we're going to do it together. 308 00:14:44,930 --> 00:14:46,649 Say no more. Oh, well, I will say more. 309 00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:48,769 I'll say more about the remote. No, you probably should. 310 00:14:48,770 --> 00:14:49,770 Yeah. About the remote. Yep. 311 00:14:49,771 --> 00:14:52,489 So if you just think about it like it's... 312 00:14:52,490 --> 00:14:55,609 ..it's just like a video game or it's... it's like a TV remote. 313 00:14:55,610 --> 00:14:56,809 Right. Right. You know? 314 00:14:56,810 --> 00:14:58,929 You can. Here you go. You can go up. 315 00:14:58,930 --> 00:15:00,129 OK. 316 00:15:00,130 --> 00:15:01,929 Mm. You can go down. 317 00:15:01,930 --> 00:15:04,369 Oh! Or you can go left. 318 00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:07,049 Yep. And you can go right. 319 00:15:07,050 --> 00:15:09,569 Just like driving a forklift. Yep. 320 00:15:09,570 --> 00:15:10,729 Oh. 321 00:15:10,730 --> 00:15:12,249 Phew. Ah. 322 00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:13,649 Oh, OK. 323 00:15:13,650 --> 00:15:15,249 So... up. 324 00:15:15,250 --> 00:15:16,650 Oh, hello. 325 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:21,329 OK. OK, that's doing something. 326 00:15:21,330 --> 00:15:22,569 Good something? 327 00:15:22,570 --> 00:15:24,889 How about if I do this? Ah... 328 00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:28,529 Is that better or...? Yeah, that's not bad. 329 00:15:28,530 --> 00:15:30,809 Alright, how about if I do this? 330 00:15:30,810 --> 00:15:33,049 Oh, fuck. Um... 331 00:15:33,050 --> 00:15:34,689 I'm just gonna. 332 00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:36,649 I'm just gonna turn the camera off. 333 00:15:36,650 --> 00:15:37,650 Oh, that good? 334 00:15:37,651 --> 00:15:39,529 Yeah, I just don't want to see your come face. 335 00:15:39,530 --> 00:15:41,089 I actually happen to look quite handsome. 336 00:15:41,090 --> 00:15:42,689 Ha! No, you don't. 337 00:15:42,690 --> 00:15:44,129 How do you know? Leish likes it. 338 00:15:44,130 --> 00:15:45,689 She's lying. 339 00:15:45,690 --> 00:15:49,209 Alright, how about some, uh, some role play? 340 00:15:49,210 --> 00:15:53,009 The, um, the... (SCOTTISH ACCENT) ..the tale of the simple-minded gimp. 341 00:15:53,010 --> 00:15:54,569 Is that's supposed to be Irish? 342 00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:56,969 It's clearly Scottish. Oh. You have a go, then. 343 00:15:56,970 --> 00:15:58,609 Oh... 344 00:15:58,610 --> 00:16:00,249 That's not gonna... Oh... 345 00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:02,289 OK. Yep. ..happen. 346 00:16:02,290 --> 00:16:03,329 Oh. 347 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,889 Oh, my God. 348 00:16:04,890 --> 00:16:05,969 OK. 349 00:16:05,970 --> 00:16:08,050 Oh, Jesus. 350 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:11,209 Oh, fuck me! 351 00:16:11,210 --> 00:16:13,089 Oh, my God. No wonder you came so quickly. 352 00:16:13,090 --> 00:16:15,529 Oh, oh, oh! Thank you. Oh, fuck. 353 00:16:15,530 --> 00:16:17,410 Oh, if you could just, um... 354 00:16:18,490 --> 00:16:19,889 Oh, could you just turn me up? 355 00:16:19,890 --> 00:16:21,329 Just... just... just a little? 356 00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:23,089 Oh! Yep. Yeah. Yeah. 357 00:16:23,090 --> 00:16:24,409 Oh! Oh, God. 358 00:16:24,410 --> 00:16:25,530 Oh. Oh. 359 00:16:26,530 --> 00:16:27,890 Is it, um... 360 00:16:29,050 --> 00:16:30,929 ..is it too weird if I, uh... 361 00:16:30,930 --> 00:16:32,490 I want to see your face. 362 00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:43,530 Oh, fuck. 363 00:16:44,610 --> 00:16:45,809 Oh. Oh. 364 00:16:45,810 --> 00:16:47,249 Oh. Yeah, yeah. 365 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:49,609 Oh, I just... I am... 366 00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:52,529 Oh, fuck. I'm right behind you. Oh. OK, slow it down. 367 00:16:52,530 --> 00:16:54,729 Right there, right there, right there. Right there. Right there. 368 00:16:54,730 --> 00:16:55,969 Could you just... Oh. 369 00:16:55,970 --> 00:16:57,209 Oh, fuck. Turn me up! 370 00:16:57,210 --> 00:16:58,409 Yeah, yeah. 371 00:16:58,410 --> 00:16:59,649 Oh, God! 372 00:16:59,650 --> 00:17:01,529 Oh! Oh! 373 00:17:01,530 --> 00:17:03,369 Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus. 374 00:17:03,370 --> 00:17:04,648 Oh! (DOOR OPENS) 375 00:17:04,650 --> 00:17:06,449 Oh, no. Wait, wait! Stop! Wait! 376 00:17:06,450 --> 00:17:08,769 No, don't... Fuck! Don't come... It's not what it looks like. 377 00:17:08,770 --> 00:17:10,169 Jesus. What the fuck?! 378 00:17:10,170 --> 00:17:11,170 Oh, God. 379 00:17:11,171 --> 00:17:12,689 Oh, no. Oh, fuck. 380 00:17:12,690 --> 00:17:13,849 Oh, God! 381 00:17:14,810 --> 00:17:16,368 Oh! 382 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,130 Oh! Oh! 383 00:17:19,130 --> 00:17:21,049 Oh, God! 384 00:17:21,050 --> 00:17:22,130 Oh! 385 00:17:23,089 --> 00:17:24,169 Oh. 386 00:17:24,170 --> 00:17:26,089 (PANTS) 387 00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:32,650 Shit. 388 00:17:34,610 --> 00:17:35,610 (PHONE RINGS) G'day. 389 00:17:35,611 --> 00:17:37,369 This is George from Creek Custom Concrete. 390 00:17:37,370 --> 00:17:39,569 Sorry, I can't come to the phone right now. Just leave a message. 391 00:17:39,570 --> 00:17:40,570 (BEEP!) 392 00:17:45,210 --> 00:17:46,969 (GASPS) God! 393 00:17:46,970 --> 00:17:48,129 Why aren't you at school?! 394 00:17:48,130 --> 00:17:49,649 Half day. 395 00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:50,969 How long have you been here? 396 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,210 Why are you out of breath? I'm not out of breath. 397 00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:56,489 Have you been shopping? 398 00:17:56,490 --> 00:17:57,769 No. 399 00:17:57,770 --> 00:18:00,649 I'm sorry. I'm on a deadline, so just... just order what you want. 400 00:18:00,650 --> 00:18:02,289 I failed my philosophy exam. 401 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:03,689 What? 402 00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:06,249 Oh, not the ethics one. Oh, bub. 403 00:18:06,250 --> 00:18:08,690 Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. 404 00:18:10,610 --> 00:18:12,409 (SNIFFS) 405 00:18:12,410 --> 00:18:14,209 What is that smell? 406 00:18:14,210 --> 00:18:16,609 What smell? You smell like... (SNIFFS) 407 00:18:16,610 --> 00:18:18,209 ..plastic or Play -Doh. 408 00:18:18,210 --> 00:18:20,450 Oh. I'm getting sushi. 409 00:18:37,770 --> 00:18:39,250 (SIGHS) 410 00:18:59,690 --> 00:19:00,690 Fuck. 411 00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,810 (EXHALES) P-p-p-p-pah. 412 00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:27,690 (CLOSES OVEN DOOR) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. 413 00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:37,129 Oh, my God. You're making dinner? Oh, no, it's just a salad. 414 00:19:37,130 --> 00:19:38,130 Oh. 415 00:19:38,131 --> 00:19:41,129 We're supposed to be going to George and Leisha's tonight for dinner, 416 00:19:41,130 --> 00:19:43,729 but, you know, if you've, um... 417 00:19:43,730 --> 00:19:47,169 ..if you've got a lot on or if you're not feeling that well or... 418 00:19:47,170 --> 00:19:49,850 Why would you pull out this late and risk setting Tommy off? 419 00:19:51,410 --> 00:19:53,329 I'm just thinking about you. 420 00:19:53,330 --> 00:19:55,009 I'm fine. 421 00:19:55,010 --> 00:19:56,490 Really? 422 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,850 I mean... I'm OK. 423 00:20:03,010 --> 00:20:04,809 Can I drive? 424 00:20:04,810 --> 00:20:07,049 I screamed, yes. I thought we were gonna crash. 425 00:20:07,050 --> 00:20:08,209 We had heaps of room. 426 00:20:08,210 --> 00:20:10,009 I'll tell you one thing, you are not driving home. 427 00:20:10,010 --> 00:20:11,010 Why? 428 00:20:15,010 --> 00:20:17,089 Why are you so jumpy? I'm not jumpy! 429 00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:19,729 You are! Relax! I'm not! I'm not! 430 00:20:19,730 --> 00:20:21,169 Hello, ladies. 431 00:20:21,170 --> 00:20:23,049 Hello, lady. 432 00:20:23,050 --> 00:20:24,850 How's school? Ask her. 433 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:30,649 It's the single worst decision I have ever made. 434 00:20:30,650 --> 00:20:34,410 Oh, come on. We both know you've made much worse calls than that. 435 00:20:41,730 --> 00:20:43,809 TOMMY: Alice, do you want ice-cream? 436 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,369 ELLA: Nope, she doesn't. 437 00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:48,169 ALICE: Actually, I'd love some. Thanks, Tommy. 438 00:20:48,170 --> 00:20:49,330 No worries. 439 00:20:50,730 --> 00:20:52,489 Why are you being so nice to him? 440 00:20:52,490 --> 00:20:54,410 I don't know. He's cute. 441 00:20:55,690 --> 00:20:56,809 Fuck's sake, don't tell him. 442 00:20:56,810 --> 00:20:58,529 So... how's work? 443 00:20:58,530 --> 00:21:02,170 Oh, you know, same shit, different bucket. 444 00:21:05,690 --> 00:21:07,769 They put me on advertorials. 445 00:21:07,770 --> 00:21:08,929 More wine, ladies? 446 00:21:08,930 --> 00:21:10,209 Yeah, it's pretty painful. Yeah, ta. 447 00:21:10,210 --> 00:21:11,370 Yeah, just up to there. 448 00:21:15,450 --> 00:21:17,609 But, you know, the last one, 449 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,969 very well received by the higher ups. 450 00:21:19,970 --> 00:21:21,729 Only been out 24 hours 451 00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:25,329 and already got more traffic than my last 12 articles combined. 452 00:21:25,330 --> 00:21:27,169 So... 453 00:21:27,170 --> 00:21:29,769 ..still got a job, which is, you know, nice. 454 00:21:29,770 --> 00:21:32,330 Just going to get the wine that I left... 455 00:21:38,290 --> 00:21:40,370 Are you going to keep this shit up all night? 456 00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:44,529 I am so... 457 00:21:44,530 --> 00:21:46,130 What's he done now? 458 00:21:47,290 --> 00:21:49,130 Actually, you know what? Don't tell me. 459 00:21:49,930 --> 00:21:53,049 Whatever it is, just go give him a spray and sort it out. 460 00:21:53,050 --> 00:21:54,770 Please, for my sake. 461 00:21:56,050 --> 00:21:58,009 That dinner was shit, mate. 462 00:21:58,010 --> 00:21:59,530 The kids had better banter. 463 00:22:18,130 --> 00:22:19,409 I don't know what to say. 464 00:22:19,410 --> 00:22:21,449 Don't say anything. 465 00:22:21,450 --> 00:22:24,050 I'm so sorry. Just let's not... talk. 466 00:22:40,410 --> 00:22:41,769 I'm gonna talk. I know you are. 467 00:22:41,770 --> 00:22:44,049 I am so sorry that I made you do that. 468 00:22:44,050 --> 00:22:45,569 You didn't make me do anything. 469 00:22:45,570 --> 00:22:48,769 I just pulled out that homeless old lady card. 470 00:22:48,770 --> 00:22:50,649 I mean, what sort of arsehole does that? 471 00:22:50,650 --> 00:22:51,889 It was just that I was... 472 00:22:51,890 --> 00:22:54,410 ..I was desperate, and I wasn't thinking straight and... 473 00:22:56,050 --> 00:22:58,770 I just need you to tell me... 474 00:23:01,330 --> 00:23:02,730 ..have I fucked it? 475 00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:10,490 'Cause I'd rather put Alice in care than lose you. 476 00:23:15,970 --> 00:23:17,449 No-one would take Alice. 477 00:23:17,450 --> 00:23:19,770 (CHUCKLES) 478 00:23:24,810 --> 00:23:26,849 Leish caught me red-handed. 479 00:23:26,850 --> 00:23:28,129 Shit. 480 00:23:28,130 --> 00:23:30,610 She got... got a hell of a shock. 481 00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,889 Don't worry she didn't see you. No, I wasn't thinking that. 482 00:23:35,890 --> 00:23:37,289 You fucking were. Yeah, I know. I was. 483 00:23:37,290 --> 00:23:38,330 Oh, God. Sorry. 484 00:23:39,810 --> 00:23:41,489 Anyway, worked out pretty well. 485 00:23:41,490 --> 00:23:42,610 How?! 486 00:23:44,530 --> 00:23:46,130 Well, I told her that, um... 487 00:23:47,850 --> 00:23:51,370 ..I was thinking about her the whole time and that I missed her and... 488 00:23:53,610 --> 00:23:55,849 I don't know if it was out of 489 00:23:55,850 --> 00:23:59,890 lust or pity or just plain confusion, but... 490 00:24:01,530 --> 00:24:03,490 ..she hasn't fucked me like that in years. 491 00:24:07,530 --> 00:24:09,449 That's pretty beautiful. 492 00:24:09,450 --> 00:24:11,330 Yeah. Yeah, it was. 493 00:24:23,450 --> 00:24:24,770 I love you, mate. 494 00:24:26,930 --> 00:24:28,730 Yeah, yeah. I love you too. 495 00:24:31,050 --> 00:24:34,530 You do look pretty handsome when you come. 496 00:24:35,610 --> 00:24:36,610 Do I? 497 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:38,929 Nuh. 498 00:24:38,930 --> 00:24:41,569 Not even a little bit. (CHUCKLES) 499 00:24:41,570 --> 00:24:43,370 (CHUCKLES) 500 00:24:46,010 --> 00:24:47,849 I closed my eyes when you came. Ho! 501 00:24:47,850 --> 00:24:49,969 You didn't even see it. 502 00:24:49,970 --> 00:24:53,809 It would've made your world shake. There I was going back and... 503 00:24:53,810 --> 00:24:56,809 (CONTINUE CHATTING INDISTINCTLY) 504 00:24:56,810 --> 00:25:00,690 (GENTLE MUSIC) 505 00:25:01,930 --> 00:25:09,930 ♪ Ooh... 506 00:25:16,330 --> 00:25:24,330 ♪ Only you 507 00:25:35,450 --> 00:25:40,009 ♪ Only you... ♪ 508 00:25:40,010 --> 00:25:43,410 Captions by Red Bee Media (c) SBS Australia 2023